youre always so good at writing down things that seem intangible to me!

i am right there with you, love. my need for god has ceased to exist. i still see the beauty and wonder of religion. i see the human mind trying to comprehend and get whatever being that is out there into something that is easily comprehended. i think that is the need for religion. we are always afraid of something that is larger than us. something we dont understand. so as humans we try to make it less than us, try to make it something that we can control and not be afraid of any longer.

but doing such, we are bound to fuck it up. i think its hilarious that from religion weve created "truths". we created religion. humans. it is man made. and from that were supposed to base our entire existence on? no thanks. i rely on myself. the creator that made me gave me a thinking mind and an intelligence.

i get so upset with people that say "god did it for me" or "the devil made me do it" in so many words of course. no, they didnt. their archetypal images are only devices used to control the general populace! i mean you and i both know that all relgions borrow from eachother and have crazy similarities.

what better way to control the actions of the masses than to scare them into believing that if they dont do this or do that they are going to an eternal hell? or they wont get some kind of reward on the afterlife. use what we dont know to control us.

or worse people choose to be ignorant and choose to be controlled. its so easy to give up your thoughts and your ability to think for yourself to some "other worldy" guiding force.

its so hard for some people to see that they control their own life. you dont need a god. you dont need a jesus. you should search answers for yourself, and be your own person. you can learn from religions, yes. i see beauty and truths in many different religions. and i can apply their teachings to all areas of my life. but i will never ever again let one think for me or control me. or scare me.

anyway, yeah...

xoxo

Since I have stopped living life inside the box I have noticed that my perception of God has grown. He's much bigger, and I'm much more relaxed in thinking about him. I really can see that I am a product of the beautiful growth and wisdom he started on this planet. And some days I am more cognizant of him than others... there was a time when I would feel really really guilty for such thoughts, as you know.

But my love for and appreciation for him has deepened because I see him in all things and all people. I guess I've become more Celtic in my leanings. Hah, then I guess it's not surprising that I really don't like churches at all... they seem to stifle me although I'm sure the people have a capacity to be wonderful. I prefer to walk in gardens, or in silent empty cathedrals, my mind my own. The very enjoyment of life with my love, the sun on my skin, the ability to dialogue with a dear friend, laughter and love -- these things are worship to me.

@XfridayxnightXcherryxpieX - 

Yeah, babe. You pretty much just filled in all the holes that were in my post.

@gothirishrose - 

Totally! I know what you mean. It's so hard to put into words.

I must hear more of these Celtic leanings! I didn't realize they included some of the stuff you were talking about.

I do see "God" in all and everything. His beauty calls to me from everywhere.

Your post reminds me of a lot of Jesus' rhetorical questions to the Pharisees.

Satanists don't like Christians for one reason -- they avoid all forms of personal responsibility. They always pass the buck off on either God or Satan and never say "Yeah, I did it. So what?" Which makes Bill Clinton the archetypal modern Christian.

Tonight in class, Darryl said "You wonder why you try when the cards are so stacked against you by these two Protean beings who can change their forms at will and know more about you than you do about yourself." He was refering to a short story where the narrator interviewed Satan, who knew her better than she knew herself. That does bring up an interesting point. Why DO we try, if we are but pawns in an interdimensional chess game between two beings who have all this power? Or did God create something so powerful that he cannot control it? If the former question is the truth, then why do we try -- why bother trying to be good and love others when these two beings know we can't or won't. If the latter question is the truth, then why don't we act like it and take responsibility for our actions and beings, even if we do something like adultery. Go ahead and admit we did it because we wanted to. And that begs the whole free will debate, which is more mental masturbation than I feel like engaging in.

I don't know what to make of it anymore, but I do know that I see very little Jesus, Peter, Paul or John in most American churches and haven't since around 1980. Three years working for WorldCom and four years working as a minister, and I can't tell which was the more money-oriented corporation.

I won't post thoughts or opinions or views because frankly I'm too tired to do so, but I did read this (while sitting on the toilet and when I should be in the shower, fyi) all the way through and liked your ability to connect the thoughts. You're a thinker and a wanderer and an intellect and an all around good guy and I just enjoy reading the thought provoking things you write!

@nathanomir - 

I know what you mean about the corporation thing.

I say to hell with any orthodox view of God or the universe. Personally, I don't believe in God or Satan as I used to. Anymore, God is less of an entity and more of an energy that permeates everything -- yet it contains a very personal knowing. If there is a "satan", I prefer to think its more of a facet of "God" that God uses to teach us.

Those who report being in the other realm (taken from the thousands of near death experiences I've read) say that the "either/or" paradigm is restricted to this realm only. Faith/doubt; good/evil; light/dark -- all products of this realm, made for the sole purpose of helping us learn (and by the way, we also choose to come here cycle after cycle, not to mention the other realms of existence we might choose to experience).

Anyway. Food for thought. If folks could begin to "wake up", self actualize, believe in and rely on themselves, maybe we could get some things done!

@kohawkrachel - 

LOL -- I appreciate your candor! I do a lot of my best reading on the toilet, so we have that in common. Thanks for your comments. It means a lot that you like to read what I write.

@pastor_j - Maybe that's all God ever wanted in the first place ... for us to grow up and think for ourselves. Let's assume the Garden story is true. What did Adam do to get kicked out? It was NOT eating the fruit! It was PASSING THE DURN BUCK! In other words, he had the chance to grow up and take responsibility and he didn't do it. Perhaps all God wanted was for him to show some balls and act like God. God took responsibility for Satan and sin and everything else, but Adam wouldn't even admit he had done the wrong thing. What would have happened if he had said "Yeah, I ate it. Tasted good, too. Wanna bite?" I think God would have said to him "That's my boy! Now, you two come here. I'm going to show you how to build a castle out of stone. Here's how you start ..."

So far, one of the only Christians to come forward and say he was wrong and assume responsibility has been Jim Bakker. He wasn't sorry he was caught. He was sorry he hurt people and realized that he went way too far and changed. That took guts. That took a real Godlike attitude.

Have you seen 'Religulous'? I bet you have. If not, I highly recommend it. I think the idea of personal responsibility is hugely absent from Christianity as it exists in America today. Its ridiculous that people still think being a 'heathen' is evil over some of the crazy stuff Christians get caught doing. The vast majority of prison population subscribe to one of the big 3 religions. Its apparent that professed belief alone does not lead to good people. I have become increasingly irritated at a few Christians in my life that not only refuse to take responsibility for themselves but try to enforce the minor facets of their religion on politics and other people. One thing Religulous made me think about is how I am disturbed by politicians being elected based on their faith and desire to enforce Biblical principles in our laws.
The idea of God has to be let out of this tiny box the bible puts it in. Its so much more beautiful and wonderful when you let yourself explore and accept the infinite aspects of Divinity. And I love the idea that either/or ceases to matter in the next life. The idea of choice and experiences various lives and forms of existence. It gives me great comfort to read it and believe it. Far more than the heaven/hell scenario in the Christian view of the afterlife. I never thought I would make it to heaven.
Crazy, I haven't been on xanga in a while, and the first thing I read is your post and I've been thinking about these very same concepts all week.

Also, V for Vendetta is one of my all time favorite movies, so you rock!

@Rain_of_Mystic_Sorrow - 

I actually haven't seen Religulous. I wanted to see it, but it came and went here very quickly. I very much want to see it.

Yeah, my idea of God is so unorthodox these days. I feel like I'm transcending all previous boundaries set in my life by religion and other peoples' expectations of what God is or is not. It kinda boggles my mind sometimes.

I'm glad my writing touched you in some way!

@Rain_of_Mystic_Sorrow - 

Oh, and V for Vendetta totally rocks! I saw it several times in theaters. I hadn't watched it in quite a while so I got the DVD out, dusted it off, and have been gorging on it for the past couple weeks.